Growing up, my mother always used to say “life’s a bitch and then you die”. I know, doesn’t that inspire positivity? The only thing my mother seemed to be passionate about was attempting to be the perfect daughter, mother and wife. And she was miserable all of the time. As I started to become more independent in life and pulled away from my family a bit, my mother seemed to build up the time we did share together, to the point where it was impossible for me to ever please her. And, as a result, she became despondent, disappointed. The pressure became too much for me and I pushed further and further away from her.
Slowly, I am learning I cannot depend on anyone for my own happiness, just as my mother couldn’t depend on any of us for her happiness. I think this is a very hard lesson for anyone who wasn’t encourage to develop hobbies and a sense of self early on. I have always been eager to please, capable of conforming to whatever was expected of me in an effort to find someone who would “fulfill me”. Spoiler alert: I never have felt fulfilled by these relationships, nor have I felt any happier.
I am on a mission to find myself. Find what my passions are. Find what makes me whole. And guess what? It certainly doesn’t involve another human. Stay tuned and join me on my journey.